ON LOSS AND LIVING ON

There’s no easy way to say it, especially after such a long hiatus on here, so I’ll just say it. My mother died on the morning of September 4, after a long illness. It was not unexpected, but it was still an upheaval of my world. This remarkable woman who had always been there for me, is no longer a part of my life. I can’t visit her, listen to her reminiscences, talk to her on the phone, go for a walk with her, listen to her sing or complain about her neighbors or the broken elevator in her building, treat her to a tub of halvah, a bottle of perfume, or a music compilation on CD. I’m still grappling with the reality that I can’t just dial her number and talk to her. She’s gone. Disappeared from the face of the earth. Living only in my memory.

I took some time off from everything this summer so that my son and I could spend time with her while she was still able to appreciate it. When I wasn’t with her in person, my husband and I talked on the phone with her almost daily. My brother and I became a lot closer. I don’t regret a second of it. So what if I got behind on everything? I’ll eventually catch up on those things that are important, and the rest can just go undone forever. Sometimes it takes a death to make us realize what is truly important and what is just meaningless busy work.

This is going to be a short note just to let my readers know why I haven’t been posting anything here and to help me break out of the emotional paralysis that has been part of my life for the last few months. Fortunately I have supportive friends and family, but ultimately this is still a shock that I have to deal with on my own. Today is the first time I’ve felt like writing about it, so I hope it’s a trend that will lead back to doing the things I love to do, including writing, while minimizing all of the things I have to do but don’t enjoy.